What The Witches Said by Reuben Abati
Article by Reuben Abati. Read below...
"How was Christmas?”
“It’s come and gone. Life goes on. We thank
God for the gift of life.”
“Life will always go on.”
“But without life, we can’t have hope.”
“Without hope, life has no meaning.”
“I am still in a Christmas mood though. I
get a chance to rest a lot during holidays”
“Where were you?”
“I was in my home town, the city of hope. I
refused to be deterred by fuel scarcity, the scarcity of cash and the scarcity
of goodwill.”
“That your town where nobody sells a brand
new car, no single car mart where you can get tear rubber, all the major streets are littered with Tokunbo vehicles on sale. Yeah, the town
of hope.”
“Talking about hope, you know. During
Christmas, I saw a story about Christmas in Senegal, showing how in a country
with about 94% of the population being Muslims, Christmas is celebrated.”
“By Muslims?”
“Yes. Muslims wearing Father Christmas
clothes, decorating their homes for Christmas and joining the small percentage
of Christians to celebrate.”
“Are you sure the attraction is not commerce?
Christmas is big business, and Senegal is a major tourist destination.”
“I think it is more about religious
tolerance in that country and people learning to accommodate and enjoy
diversity. For me, that is the message. People can belong to different
religious faiths and yet live happily together.”
“Hmm. We need that message in Nigeria.”
“Ironically, something like that also actually
happened in Nigeria, this Christmas”
“Where?”
“In
Kaduna.”
“When? How?”
“I learnt some Muslim women went to Kaduna
prison to give food to prisoners to celebrate Christmas. “
“Christmas or Eid el Maulud? You know there
were two events: the birthday of Prophet Muhammed (SAW) and that of Our Lord
Jesus Christ.”
“I am sure. The Muslim women visited the
prison on Christmas Day. And at the Christ Evangelical Intercessory Fellowship
Ministry, also in Kaduna, more than 150 Muslims attended Christmas Day church
service.”
“If what you are saying is true, then that
is great, beautiful, fantastic. Religion
has done too much damage in our society. Can you imagine some people going to destroy
somebody’s mother’s grave just because they do not like his brand of worship? People
should stop killing the living and the dead because of religious differences.
We should accommodate our differences and join hands to move Nigeria forward.”
“I know. But how far should this
accommodation thing go? Should it also include witches?”
“Witchcraft?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, blood of Jesus!”
“Look at you. Where were you when the other
day, the spokesman for the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria (WIZAN) issued
a press statement saying they the white witches of Nigeria support President
Buhari’s anti-corruption campaign”
“White
witches. Winch dey get colour?’
“Na
so I hear oh. White winch, Black winch, Red winch”
“All of them winching, winching people from
the pit of darkness. Chei, blood of
Jesus!”
“The
spokesman for White Witches said they are good people with members in every
state of the Federation and that as patriots, if they are invited, they are
ready to assist the government to bring corrupt persons to book.”
“Witches have a spokesman and a nationwide
network, and they now issue press statements?
Father, your words are forever true. End time is here! And Nigeria never
fails to surprise somebody; everyday, every minute, something new always crops
up in this country.”
“I don’t get you. But you just spoke about
diversity, accommodation, inclusiveness, and now you are contradicting
yourself.”
“Not witchcraft please. Light and darkness
cannot mix. I support freedom yes, inclusiveness and all that, but not the kind
of support that will take me to Hell-fire.”
“Hell is in your mind. Heaven is a
mythological construct. But look at the proposal. The witches want to help the
government.”
“How? Will the Federal Government set up a
Special Court for White Witches fighting Corruption?”
“I guess they will be very effective. See
how you’ve been shivering since you heard that witches have become nationalists
and change agents. Only the guilty are afraid.”
“Will they also help to resolve fuel
scarcity issues, power supply problems, and reckless driving on our roads?”
“This is a democracy. Let all the flowers
bloom.”
“Witches
don they get spokesman. I thought the law forbids anyone from belonging to
a secret society, a cult and so on.”
“Well, as it is the white witches
association is no longer a secret society.
They are now in the open. Don’t be surprised if very soon they advertise
vacancies for membership.”
“God forbid.”
“Siddon
there, dey talk. You’d be
surprised how many media houses will collect the adverts, and publish, get paid
for services rendered, and claim that this is a democracy.”
“Hmmm”
“See. Smell the coffee. The thing is that
even this thing called government is a kind of witchcraft. White, black and red witchcraft combined; that
is what is called government!”
“And that’s why we need spiritual
redemption.”
“Keep sermonizing. Were you not in this
country when during the last general elections, the National Association of Prostitutes
also issued a statement on how the elections should be organized?”
“Prostitutes also have a spokesperson? No
shame?”
“It was their President that spoke. They
even promised free sex. But I wouldn’t know if they made good on that offer.”
“Wait oh.”
“What?”
“I am trying to remember something.”
“What is that?”
“These your witches and wizards, didn’t
they also make certain predictions during the last elections?”
“I don’t remember”
“They did. They openly endorsed President
Jonathan. They said they didn’t see any vacancy in Aso Rock in their crystal
ball, and they pledged their support.”
“May be the spirits changed and the witches
also changed.”
“Ha!”
“It is called change. Once they wave that
their broom”
“Witches use broom?”
“Yes. Once they wave that their broom over
their magical pot… but let me just advise you, don’t go about questioning the
wisdom of witches. It can be dangerous.”
“I am a child of Light.”
“Whatever you are, just know that when a
witch strikes you…you can’t do anything to witches. Nobody can catch the air.”
“You are beginning to sound as if you are
one of them. And if you are not, well, you may end up becoming a witch
yourself.”
“Me? No.”
“It is like you like them.”
“I am just saying in a democracy, you are
bound to see all kinds of things. That is why it is a democracy.”
“I know. That is why Donald Trump is
getting good ratings in the US Presidential race.”
“Let’s leave witches alone, I beg.”
“But what have they said about this coming
year, 2016?”
“How?”
“Any predictions?”
“You don’t need witches to predict any new
year. I can do it myself.”
“I said it. There is something you are not telling
me. I wasn’t talking about witches. I was referring to the pastors who always
look into the future.”
“Dey
there. You don’t need to
be a witch or a pastor to make predictions. When I reviewed some of my own projections
for 2015, I was almost 80% accurate. You just need to learn how it is done.”
“How?”
“Okay, let me assist you. See in the year
of our Lord, 2016, care must be taken in the aviation industry to avoid air
mishap. In the course of the year, two prominent Nigerians must pray seriously against
bereavement in their families. Two Governors are likely to face the threat of
removal from office. And a former state Governor should be careful not to lose
his son-in-law. I see fire outbreak in two major markets, North and South, with
many casualties. Two First Class Traditional Rulers are likely to join their
ancestors before the month of June. Some
directors in the public service will lose their positions. I see earthquake occurring somewhere in the
Pacific. There will be a boom in the Agriculture Sector. 2016 is going to be a
year of bountiful harvest. More lives will still be lost to Boko Haram violence. The Naira will remain unpredictable….”
“What kind of crystal ball do you use, if I
may ask?”
“What crystal ball does your Pastor use?”
“My Pastor doesn’t use a crystal ball. He
is filled with the Holy Spirit.”
“Many of these Pastors predict so many things
and they don’t even get it right. And yet this year again, they will sell books
of predictions to their congregation.”
“My own Pastor is a man of God. He is
always at least 85% accurate, every year.”
“Well, I have made my own predictions too.
You can either believe me or you believe your Pastor; you choose. But you’d see that I am always very
accurate.”
“You are just using commonsense, my
friend.”
“And what does your Pastor use?”
“There are people who have the gift of
prophecy, they can see into the future. Don’t blaspheme.” “Don’t worry. When your pastor publishes his book
of predictions, get me two copies, please. I am in a generous mood. I don’t
have a problem helping him to make quick profit.”
“Only God can forgive you.”
“So, technically speaking, what are you
saying?”
“I am saying, that technically, Nigeria
will survive 2016, prophecy or no prophecy. God never forsakes his own people.”
“Okay. I understand, you mean technically,
the current fuel scarcity will end.”
“Yes”
“And technically, power supply will
improve, and we will not have any more
Dumsor.”
“What is Dumsor?”
“That is how technically, the people of
Ghana, describe persistent power outages.”
“But how do our people describe it?”
“They say technically, all our problems
will be defeated.”
“You mean, technically, all Nigerians will
become prosperous in 2016?”
“Yes”.
“Actually, come to think of it, everything
is technical.”
“Oh, certainly, once you understand the
technique of the technicality.”
“Like the announcement that the pump price of
fuel will be reduced to N85 per litre in January 2016?”
“Yes! You got it! Technically!”
“But I have been buying fuel at N130 per
litre.”
“That is the technicality”
“I am confused.”
“That is because you don’t have a gift for
technical things.”
“Like witchcraft, yes.”
“Don’t worry, you’d learn. Just have an
open mind.”
“But look at this other matter. Even
international airlines including British Airways, are now threatening to reduce
their flights to Nigeria by early 2016.”
“So?”
“They say they can’t get aviation fuel in
Nigeria and that the scarcity of foreign exchange has slowed down the Nigerian
economy.”
“They should go and sit down. Otherwise we
will give them the MTN treatment. Who is asking foreign airlines to start analyzing
Nigeria’s 2016 Budget? If they like let them reduce all their flights. We will
defeat those foreign airlines, technically.
In fact, Nigerians will start traveling to Europe, Dubai, wherever, by
road. Nonsense!”
“What?”
“Yes, London by road, why not?”
